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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28458006">Lost on You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltheloveasalways/pseuds/alltheloveasalways'>alltheloveasalways</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drunk Louis, Famous Harry, Famous Louis, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, One Direction Hiatus, Sadness, Waiting, the best Niall you could ever ask for</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:28:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,031</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28458006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltheloveasalways/pseuds/alltheloveasalways</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>2021.<br/>Louis decided to leave Harry, the love of his life because their relationship was becoming a hardship for the two. Louis is now determined to punish himself for life for the harm he caused to Harry but Harry loves him so much that he can't accept that.<br/>A story where Louis and Harry were part of One direction, which separated years ago, but they still can't let each other go.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles &amp; Original Male Character(s), Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, this is a work that was inspired by Lewis Capaldi's song "Lost on you". (If you don't know it, please listen to it and you won't regret it). It will be a two chapter story and the second one will be hopefully up by next week, if university lets me do some more writing. However, I hope you like it. Happy new year. Happy 2021.<br/>Love. x.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis’ life hasn’t been much normal lately. But in his defense, it hasn’t been very normal in the past ten years. It hasn’t been easy either.<br/>How could it have been. One direction changed his life in so many ways, ways that no one could have ever imagined. Never in a million years. Since the hiatus though, what Louis was desperately looking for was peace. Rest. Just being alone with his thoughts for a bit of time. He never imagined he could be that type of person who deliberately looked for loneliness, being the loud twat he usually was. Proper life of every fucking party. Now Louis didn’t even want to hear the word party near him.<br/>When he and Harry parted ways, he put so much effort into going to every party physically possible, or even not physically possible. He drank his way to the last day of performing, avoiding every single discussion he could avoid and showing up just in time to go on stage, disappearing to do more drinking just after they finished performing. It’s not like he wanted himself to waste away, it just seemed the most thoughtful thing he could do to himself. Forget. It was just easier that way, you know. He didn’t have to look Harry in his eyes, not that he was capable of, he couldn’t cross looks with anyone that know how things were. How bad they fucked everything up. How miserable he was. How guilty he felt about losing the love of his life. But powerless he felt for not being able to do absolutely fucking anything about it. He just lost him. It. Everything.<br/>After they broke up, darkness started to surround Louis’ life. Every single thing reminded him of Harry. From going to pick up groceries and finding the oat brand Harry loved, to turning on the radio when he was in a better mood and shutting it off when every single line coming out of it just led to him crying over spilled milk. Over Harry. Darkness just didn’t seem to leave room for the light these days. Louis wasn’t sure it ever will again. Overall, on the surface, Louis was fine. Louis was fine for everyone who met him and asked for photos, draws of tattoos, or autographs. Louis was fine when people asked him whether he felt good. If he was doing alright. Louis always replied with a smile and a nod, except that when he turned around from fans or everyone really, he just wasn’t. He wasn’t fine. Nothing was.<br/>It wasn’t the most uncommon thing then that Louis was now in a pub, drinking himself to oblivion, trying to avoid thinking that it was going to start another year of fucking sadness. He was drinking, alone, in a London pub, on New Year’s Eve. Lucky thing few people were there to witness this shit.<br/>“Get me another, man,” he asked the blonde tall man that was working through the last night of the year. When the bartender looked at him suspiciously, Louis just pointed at the empty glass in his left hand. “This is far better than what I have been drinking lately. Good to you.” He finished.<br/>“Are you sure you want to?” The blonde man behind the counter grabbed the bottle behind him and just poured the beverage into Louis’ glass, making it full again.<br/>“Thanks, man. Yes.” Louis thanked him after alcohol was back in his hands, with a cheeky smile. “You are not going to believe it, but this is one of the best nights of the last few…months,” he told him, before drowning himself in the glass again.<br/>“Well man, I don’t know what you are trying to forget but I am not sure this is the best way to do it, ya know. You should spend this night with friends, celebrating the new year. Certainly not alone in a pub in a quiet London area. I am not even sure there are private parties around here. Which..you know…kinda sad” Nice, that’s exactly what Louis was looking for.<br/>“Well, maybe it’s exactly what I wanted.” Louis finished off his conversation. He didn’t want to talk, at all. He just wanted something to get wasted in. He found pub and good alcohol, it was enough.<br/>Few seconds of quiet uncertainty between the two were enough for the bartender to ask “Aren’t you the one from that band? You certainly look like him, I reckon”<br/>Ah. Nice. Now he would be all over Twitter and newspapers like the one who “gets wasted alone during NYE”. Fucking awesome. He could have easily denied it but he knew it was too late for that shit. He didn’t have the strength to lie about anything anymore.<br/>“I appreciate the fact that you called it a band instead of a boyband. Thanks, man.” He smiled again, lifting his glass with a cheering gesture. Luckily, another man asked for a scotch which was enough for the man, the boy, to stop this conversation and start minding his job.<br/>Louis found himself alone again, starting to feel the effect of the liquid inside his glass. He brought his fingers to his itchy eyes, trying to cope with the dizziness alcohol was bringing him. Maybe he should have just stayed at home drinking all he had inside his massive house, which, you know, had a massive alcohol reserve that replaced every single empty spot Harry left when he moved out.<br/>And…there he is again. Thinking about Harry while getting pissed on New Year's Eve. He just pushed his fingers in the corner of his eyes a bit more, with a gesture that felt more like pushing tears back from where they were coming from. Suddenly, a light buzzing began interrupting his self-pity moment (more a period than a moment). He really really did not want to cope with anyone’s rambling at the moment. He just didn’t. Didn’t want to talk to his mum, to his sisters, to Liam, or to whoever was wasting their phone call on him. The good thing about it was that the buzzing ended after thirty seconds. The bad thing was that he started again two seconds afterward.<br/>“For Fuck’s sake. One can’t even be left alone with his miserable self on NYE” he whispered to himself while he put his hand in his back pocket, bringing out his phone. A big “NIALL” flashed on the screen, giving Louis chills. “Oh God.”. He didn’t want to answer in the first place but then he figured that the thing with Niall was that you could not <em>not</em> answer. He would just keep calling him again and again and again until he was able to tell you whatever shit he called for. Louis figured that the sooner he picked up the better, and he would be soon be returning to drinking his soul under a liquid form.<br/>He just breathed once again and “Niall. To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked, trying to sound more convincing than ever.<br/>“HELLO LAD HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU KNOB” Niall loudly screamed in his year before Louis could even think of bringing his phone farther from his ear.<br/>“I am not deaf, ya know. I could be now tho, not sure. You could have just sent a message, for fuck’s sake. You didn’t need to call.” He just answered. His left hand was now on his forehead.<br/>“COULDN’T. YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Niall was just so, so loud all the time. NYE was just worse. Louis smiled.<br/>“Thanks, to you too.” he simply wished.<br/>“Don’t be a twat and say it to your family too. I will text Lottie tomorrow but it won’t be the same if you don’t tell them now. And I will know if you don’t.” Niall was just Niall, wasn’t he. Same old Niall. Now, Louis had often lied about what he was doing during his days, just because it wasn’t anyone’s matter and certainly not his best mates’. He thought about lying again on his current location but then again in twelve hours' time Niall would be screaming at him after talking to Lottie and figuring it was a lie.<br/>See, Louis had told everyone that he was going to spend his holidays with his family up north.<br/>Big fat lie. He just didn’t want his isolation from the world to be disturbed. In fact, he wanted to go to his family for his birthday. He really wanted, he missed them like crazy, but he just wasn’t ready to answer their questions about what happened with Harry. He couldn’t. And he hated himself because Harry was part of the family, he had been since the beginning. He loved his sibling like they were his and they loved him like Louis. He was so sorry they had to go through the same thing he was now facing.<br/>Lying to Niall wasn’t exactly the best decision he could do now, was it? Kinda pointless.<br/>“Niall…..you should text her because I am not home,” he told him praying Niall would not be asking more questions.<br/>“what do you mean you’re not home, YOU LIAR”<br/>“Niall, mate please, STOP SCREAMING IN ME EAR”. he exploded. Niall in his ear and all the alcohol in his body were definitely making a war in Louis’ body. “I am in London you Irish pain in the ass”<br/>“In London? Why didn’t you tell me? We could have celebrated together! You didn’t go to your family, did you? Only fucking guy I know that spends his birthday alone, I am telling you.”<br/>“it’s fine Niall, I wanted to. No problem. You know that.” He just kind of hoped that Niall would understand without saying anything else. But you know, Niall only understands when he wants to.<br/>“Come celebrate now! Come here. We’re having a lot of fun mate!” Ah, right. No way. Louis didn’t know how to answer to say no without saying no.<br/>“Uhm...Niall, honestly I don’t feel alright. I might be going home soon…I already kinda celebrated so..”<br/>“No way. It’s too soon to go home. It’s NYE. Go big before you go home, ya know. You come.” And right, it sounded like an imperative. Knowing Niall, it just felt like he had been trapped.<br/>“Niall…I just want to be alone. And I am not feeling very myself right now. So..let’s see each other another time, yeah?”<br/>“No way. You’re stuck. And you told me a lie, you liar friend of mine. You owe me. I am sending someone to pick you up” And ok, maybe Niall wasn’t exactly sober but who was he to judge poor guys living out of flooding alcohol. One second, he was perfectly able to take an uber.<br/>“I am taking an uber, Niall. No need to send anyone over like I am a child you need to take from school.”<br/>“Louis, we have been friends for a long time. Brothers even. Don’t I know that if you take an uber you will never be here?”<br/>Fuck, that was true. Not that Louis was thinking about it, but that was totally something he would do. Niall took his last opportunity from him. He knew he was totally fucked now.<br/>“I’ll come, Niall. Don’t send-“<br/>“Shut it. A couple of friends are still around. I`ll send someone to pick you up. Where are you, again?” Louis breathes again.<br/>“The George..?” Louis looked up to the bartender trying to confirm the name of the bar, except the blond guy was nowhere to be seen.<br/>“Are you asking me or telling me? Man, how pissed are you? And you even wanted to come alone” okay, this was becoming too much already.<br/>“Hey, it’s not like I wanted to drive. For fuck’s sake, Niall, you’re just taking the piss now. The George, Haverstock Hill, that’s where I am. Let me know when to come out of this hole”<br/>“On it, man. And when you come here, you will need to explain how you managed to get to Hampstead” Now, Louis knew where Niall wanted to land but it wasn’t the case. Like, at all. He just searched online ‘best pub for NYE’ and The George was the first one up and it was also close enough to his house.<br/>“Nothing to explain. You’re not gonna get much from me, I am afraid” Louis would explain NOTHING.<br/>“Yeah mate, see ya”<br/>“text me later, you fucker.” And with those last words, Louis ended the call. He knew, he fuckin knew that he had to turn off his telephone if he wanted to be left alone tonight.<br/>The pub was even less crowded than before after midnight. 2021 had started but Louis didn’t notice much difference and he will not notice it. Not this year, he was sure. The bartender showed up again just to tell him they were closing soon enough. Fantastic.<br/>“Yeah, don’t worry about me, my mates are coming to pick me up like a child,” Louis responded. His new alcohol-supplying friend just smiled at him.<br/>“Maybe they care about you, don’t they?”<br/>“More like…they want to be sure I am not fucking around”<br/>“Are you?” oh, cheeky blonde boy. You have no idea. Louis smirked.<br/>“Don’t want to sound arrogant or…whatever, but we are not friends, mate.” Now, this was clear, or Louis would not be having this conversation with him. The boy kept drying the clean glasses he just finished washing.<br/>“I know..but maybe..” A smile started spreading on…what was his name?<br/>“What’s your name?”<br/>“Edward” Oh, the odds. They liked playing with Louis’ head, didn’t they.<br/>“Edward….listen, you are a cool guy…not so hard on the eyes, make proper drinks. I am not interested in whatever else you are trying to offer. Which, I am not completely sure, but sounded like something sexual. Thank you, tho, I appreciate it.” Louis stood up from the stool, trying to balance himself. He took his wallet from his pocket, leaving thirty pounds on the counter.<br/>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“<br/>“It’s fine, Edward. You tried. I am just not interested in anyone. Not anymore.” Louis whispered the last part, just because it was truer than everything else. He was tired. He was knackered honestly. He found his love, lost it, and now he was dealing with it. Nothing else to do or to say.<br/>“Your choice, lad” Thanks, Eddie.<br/>Louis just put his wallet back in the pocket just in time to feel a slight buzz. A text from Niall saying that his mate was outside. Fantastic.<br/>He nodded to Edward just to say bye, making his way outside after grabbing his coat. London was fucking freezing and he should know, being in London for what feels like forever, but in reality, he is not a cold-friendly person. He just isn’t. He gets too cold, too quickly, all the time.<br/>Outside the pub, everything was dark. Few empty cars were parked on the lane, probably people who lived there. It was a really quiet area, just like Edward said earlier. A fast blight came up from a black Range Rover a little bit further down the road. A phone, probably. Louis just went towards the car. It was less than twenty steps away from him but they felt like a hundred. Who was this mate? He didn’t even want to go to Niall’s party in the first place!<br/>As soon as Louis pulled the handle of the car to open the door, he was invaded by a familiar scent.<br/>It couldn’t-Niall would not do this to him. No. Absolutely not. Absobloodylutely not.<br/>It was stronger than him. He needed to look. Louis rose his eyes to the figure in front of him, seated in the driver’s spot. Curly hair, penetrating green eyes. A lean figure you could see even in the car.<br/>No Fucking Way. He would have killed Niall tonight. He absolutely would.<br/>“What the fuck are you doing here?” Louis didn’t want to sound pissed but he was soooo pissed right now. Mad even. I mean…he really didn’t want to do this. This was the last thing he needed, to be honest. Niall would have paid for this shit.<br/>Harry stood there, looking at Louis like he had seen a ghost. They didn’t see each other too often, luckily, but just when someone from the band decided to throw a party or at birthdays. Louis attempted to shut the door and walk away but Harry was quicker.<br/>“Please.” He told Louis before he could completely walk away. The door remained half-open. Louis froze.<br/>“Niall asked me If I could pick you up and you know I live near…I promise I won’t talk at all if you don’t want me to..just…sit, please” Harry’s voice so soft, deep, like he was truly hoping Louis would not be opposing this and just sit in his car.<br/>Louis was hesitant. He didn’t want to go to Niall’s in the first place, now that Harry was there, he didn’t know if this thing encouraged him to go or pushed him to go home and die in his bed. He really didn’t accept this. He couldn’t believe it either. The person he most wanted to avoid in his life was there, picking him up with his car, trying to get him to a party he didn’t want to go to. Louis was overwhelmed but now He didn’t have much choice, did he.<br/>“We won’t talk. I will just sit there, hoping to arrive as soon as possible so I can get drunk and leave that party” Louis just dropped to his seat, shutting the door and looking everywhere but at Harry. Harry breathed loudly, wetting his lips while putting his left hand on the gear. He ignited the car, starting to drive.<br/>They were both quiet, awkwardly quiet on the way to Niall’s, which put both men in a silent but soon effective bomb that would go off at any moment. The silence was never for them.<br/>“so…” Louis started. Harry’s eyes weren’t drifting away from the road.<br/>“How are you doing?” he finished, trying to stay on neutral ground.<br/>Harry stayed silent, focused on driving for a few more seconds.<br/>“Fine.” Now, this was not the best way to get this conversation going, even if it was forced.<br/>“Fine.” Louis ended, making it clear that he understood that this isn’t going that well.<br/>“You said you didn’t want to talk” Harry just stated, looking at Louis with the corner of his eye for just a fraction of a second.<br/>“I know but…comfortable silence is overrated, innit?” Louis smirked. Harry pushed the corners of his mouth slightly up.<br/>“I reckon that is a quote, I only happen to not recognize it.” Oh, Harry, cheeky bitch.<br/>“me neither.” Louis decided to keep this game up.<br/>“So….what have you been up to?”<br/>“No good” Harry quickly replied, making Louis smile and smiling himself.<br/>“Who’s citing Harry Potter now?” Smiles getting bigger.<br/>“you are always a freak for that movie, I can’t believe it.”<br/>“Heeeeey. Don’t insult me or my friend Harry.” Harry pouted. Oh god.<br/>“right, your magic friend. Got it.” Louis simply decided to go along with it. The car fell into silence for a couple more seconds until...<br/>“So…how are you?” Harry asked him. His tone was far more serious than it was before. Louis wasn’t sure whether to go along with the sarcasm or be serious. He definitely wasn’t sober enough to have a very serious conversation at the moment.<br/>“I’m….” shattered, drunk, sad, sorry, knackered, in love. “Fine” is what Louis answered instead.<br/>“You’re fine…”<br/>“That I am”. See, Louis didn’t make a habit of lying. But lately, that was all he could do. He needed to put on a façade of happiness to keep away everyone because in reality what he wanted to do was scream at himself to his own misery in his house.<br/>“Lou…is, Louis” Harry started, stuttering a little bit. Louis was not even prepared to hear his name with Harry’s voice, let alone the way Harry used to call all the time before he fucked everything up.<br/>“I know..you. I know something’s up. Please don’t lie. Not to me.” Harry left Louis astonished.<br/>“You know me but you don’t know a single thing about what I have been up to so don’t say you do.”<br/>“you’re not hard to understand. And something tells me being alone on NYE with so much alcohol in your system is not a one-time thing. Am I saying correctly?”<br/>“You don’t get to know this”<br/>“Don’t I?”<br/>“No, you don’t. We’re not friends.” Louis didn’t want to be rude but this was the truth. They were not friends but they had been so, so much more it was scary as fuck. How meaningful they were to each other. How loved they were by each other.<br/>“I don’t need to be your friend to know that you are not fine. You’re a good liar. Just not to me”.<br/>Louis was losing it.<br/>“Oh really? Well, no then, I guess I am not fine but it’s none of your concern”<br/>“Louis, I-“<br/>“No, you don’t. No, you aren’t. You’re not sorry for what happened, and you don’t wish this was different. We used to be a lot more than friends, now it is better if he stays out of each other’s ways.” Louis turned to Harry who looked slightly more concerned.<br/>“You broke up with me. It wasn’t me” Harry replied. His tone was still soft but Louis knew something was starting to boil.<br/>“I FUCKING KNOW. You don’t have to remind me.”<br/>“So-“<br/>“So nothing. It had to be done. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt and you know that. You were sad all the time, management was fucking us up. Everyone and everything was a mess because of us. You cried half of the time they told me I had to stay with someone else. You weren’t happy anymore, Harry. It wasn’t just us anymore.” Louis finally explained.<br/>“You didn’t have to decide for me.” Harry was a bit crossed now. He continued to look at the road trying to look at Louis as much as possible without risking to crash.<br/>“I did anyway. Oh, by the way, you don’t have to play regretful now. How’s Will? I am sorry I didn’t ask before. Where is your boyfriend tonight?” See, one of the darkest days Louis had to face after their breakup was Niall’s call telling that Harry was dating an American guy called Will and that he thought it could help Louis being reasonable about it and go on.<br/>It didn’t happen. What happened instead what that day he brought three bottles of vodka to Doncaster and drank them all with Lottie. She was the only one who knew the whole situation and that was the last time he went home.<br/>“Don’t play nice, I know you don’t want to know anything about him. He’s home.”<br/>“Oh, but I do. I am happy to know he is safe and sound. What a pity he can’t be with us tonight.” The car stopped beside a congested pavement outside a nightclub. Feisty people holding their drinks in the middle of the road in the city of London, completely plastered. Louis took harry by surprise and opened the door of the car even before the car itself completely stopped.<br/>“Hold on.” Harry tried to speak up.<br/>“Have a nice night, Harry Styles. Next time, please, walk as far away from me as possible.”<br/>and with that, he just made his way into the club to find a bottle.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>I got a hold on your soul but I lost my grip, let you go</em> </strong>
</p><p>//</p><p>“Louis, didn’t you have enough?”<br/>“Alcohol can never be enough, you Irish liar!” Niall had been trying to separate Louis from his bottle(s) a couple of times during the night. It was now three-thirty in the morning and he didn’t succeed in his task.<br/>“Lou, please. Pretty pleeeeease just come here and stop drinking. You wanted to go home, right? Let’s get you home.”<br/>“I am fine here now, Neil. I don’t want to go home. And I don’t want anyone to bring me home.” I don’t want Harry to bring me home is what Louis really meant.<br/>“This is not going well, mate. Please. You are pissed as fuck. Let me get someone to bring you home” Niall was trying, he really was. He knew that Louis was knocking himself out too many days for a week, he just didn’t know his alcohol tolerance improved so much. The realization hit him so hard. Louis was wasting himself and he wasn’t completely aware of this. He knew something was on and he didn’t want to be the friend who doesn’t do anything about it. Niall just couldn’t let his brother do this to himself.<br/>“Harry!” Niall screamed, trying to reach him and make him turn over. “HARRY!” Harry just turned around, focusing on both of them. He rushed to them like he knew something was up. The club was absolutely packed even so late. NYE really does something to people.<br/>“What happened? Are you okay?” harry just asked Louis like he knew this was about him.<br/>“Can you bring him home? He is a little bit over the limit” Niall asked Harry, trying not to be heard by Louis who was still attached to his liquor.<br/>“Did he asked you to ask me? Because he wasn’t too pleased with me driving a few hours ago” Harry clarified, looking to Louis. He wasn’t hearing the conversation.<br/>“Listen Harry. I have been keeping in contact with Louis a few times. I knew something was off with him and now I know how much. He isn’t fine, Harry. At all. Something is truly going to shit. So, Can I please ask you to bring him home?” Niall whispered the last part standing close to Harry like it was the most challenging part of his sentence for him.<br/>Harry just nodded. “I’ll call you tomorrow. You need to tell me everything.” He whispered in Niall’s ear. He then took a few steps, approaching Louis to hold his bottle in his hands and put it on the counter.<br/>“Louis, we are leaving.”<br/>“No fucking way, I-“<br/>“Louis.” He stopped in front of him, looking him into his eyes. He could cut the tension between the two with a knife.<br/>“You come with me. That’s final.” While Harry started to walk towards the door of the club without giving Louis a chance to bicker about it.<br/>Louis followed the younger boy, grabbing his coat from the hanger and looking for a quick way to get outside.<br/>“Harry, can you stop?” Louis just wanted to have reasoning about it. He was not sober enough, even though the fresh air of the London night helped him sober up a bit more than before. He definitely wasn’t as pissed as he was when he came to the party.<br/>“No. Get in the car. I don’t want to argue” Harry was just so bitter now, Louis could tell. Louis didn’t want to argue, he just wanted to go home.<br/>“Let me hail a caaaaab. You have no righttt-“<br/>“Get in the car or I swear I will take you and put in there myself” Harry stubbornly almost screamed, opening the door of the car and climbing inside.<br/>Louis had no chance to say otherwise. In the end, what could twenty minutes more in Harry’s presence to do his sanity?<br/>He sat in his seat silently.<br/>“Put the seatbelt on” was the only thing that Harry told him before igniting the car and starting to drive.<br/>The tension between them was growing but how could it not. I mean, Louis was definitely more himself than before, Harry’s proximity made him feel like he was a child that was waiting to be grounded for some bad behavior. He felt like in some way he deserved it, but he knew why. Harry didn’t, and it was better that way. Louis definitely didn’t want Harry to feel pitiful, nevertheless, he wanted him to know how bad his life had gotten. How he dreamt of him every night and wished things between them were different. But he couldn’t. Harry had gone on with his life, he wasn’t his problem anymore. Louis was only Louis’ problem.<br/>“You haven’t been telling me the truth, have you? You’ve lied the whole time.” Harry started to speak but Louis was definitely not about to answer that.<br/>“I think I deserve at least an answer, Louis.”<br/>“I am not willing to explain this to you. We’re not friends. You don’t get to know more about me than what you already do.” Louis started feeling sick. He wanted to avoid the topic as much as possible because he wasn’t sure he could contain his temper.<br/>“Louis, please. Just tell me what it is” Harry prayed but he knew nothing would come out of his mouth.<br/>“Fine. I’ll ask Niall.” And that was the moment Louis talked.<br/>“Niall won’t say a thing. He is my friend, he will not betray me. You have your life, Harry, deal with the fact that you are not part of mine anymore.”<br/>“Am I not? And whose fault is that? YOU LEFT ME. I did nothing to do with it and you know it.”<br/>“Oh, but you didn’t have a problem with it, did you? Found yourself a replacement soon enough without caring about anyone else anymore so there’s that. You don’t get to question me or my living anymore. Period.” This was sad. And not true.<br/>“This is not true and you know it. Will and I... We are not what you think”<br/>“I don’t think at all, Harry. I don’t. If you’re happy that is all that matters.”<br/>“If you are unhappy though, I want to know it.” Right, happiness. Something that Louis lost a few years ago.<br/>“You don’t. It’s my life. The decision is mine.” Louis definitely sounded a bit final and disenchanted from the whole Harry’s caring talk but he wasn’t. The fact that Harry was still trying to push Louis to tell him everything that upset him was enough for Louis to recognize that he wished he could tell him. he really wished but he was trying to be strong. For him, for everyone. Louis had lost himself and this was the only way he could go on, even if it was fiction. He couldn’t tell Harry. He couldn’t be that childish. He was old enough to make his decision and take care of himself.<br/>“Please, let me deal with this on my own.” He asked quietly. “Can you do this for me? Leaving my life to me?” Louis eyed Harry and kept his gaze on him for a few seconds before moving it away.<br/>“Louis, I am not treating you like a child, I am well aware you are not. I just...I want to know how you are doing. I want to know if you are unwell. Please, we don’t have to be enemies.”<br/>“We are not. We are..acquaintances. I am….I will be fine, I believe. In some next future.”<br/>“Let me help you. I care. Lou, please, I don’t want to….see you as I saw you tonight. What were you doing alone in that pub?” Louis was finding it difficult to hold back tears. He knew Harry cared. He knew he would always care just as Louis would always have cared about Harry. The point was that he wanted to be strong.<br/>“I wanted to be outside a bit. I didn’t want to be at home.”<br/>“Why didn’t you go to Niall’s?”<br/>“I told him I was in Doncaster. He didn’t know I was here”<br/>“so there was a lot of lying involved.”<br/>“Yes.” Louis was too tired to keep pretending.<br/>“This might be a bit worse than I originally thought it was” Harry whispered, eyes focused on the road.<br/>“It’s not.” Louis exhaled, breathing loudly.<br/>“Do you….mind if I stay with you for a couple of hours?” Harry was now pecking his lip, Louis could see it from the corner of his left eye before turning the head to him.<br/>“Why would you?” Louis was interested in this.<br/>“because..it’s late and I don’t really want to drive to the opposite side of the city.” What an excuse. Harry enjoyed driving, especially when he was alone. Louis knew better than trusting his explanation. However, he decided to accomplish his request.<br/>“Of course, If you need it. That house is still yours anyway.” Louis simply stated, hearing an ‘mhm’ from Harry.<br/>The two remained silent until they approached Louis’ house. He inserted the code to open the gate and harry parked the car in his garden a few seconds later.<br/>They both climbed out of the vehicle while Louis pulled out his keys to open the door. Harry followed him inside the property, noticing every little change he could follow with his gaze.<br/>“Oh my god, Louis. It’s like time stopped here.” Harry was definitely surprised by the fact that Louis hadn’t touched anything in his house. The only things missing were the items that Harry brought with him when he moved out.<br/>“I’ll grab a pillow and some blankets for you. You can take the couch” Louis moved towards the stairs and soon enough he disappeared just to come with a bunch of stuff a couple of minutes later.<br/>“I can do it from here. Thanks, Lou”. He thanked him, starting to make a comfortable bed on the couch.<br/>“Hmh…..” Louis started. “maybe I can give you something comfortable to wear”<br/>“It’s fine, you know. Same old habits. I don’t wear pajamas.” Louis remembered, he just thought he might have changed this or just was more comfortable wearing something.<br/>“Fine…I’ll leave you to it then. You know where everything else is so if you need anything feel free to help yourself out”<br/>“Thank you”<br/>“No worries.”<br/>And with that Louis made his way to his bedroom upstairs, not without looking one last time to the love of his life making himself comfortable in his house, which was also his own. He couldn’t do anything but go to his room and sleep. It was the first time in a long time he did not need anything to set him to sleep.<br/>//<br/>In the morning, Louis felt something was different. He had slept better than he had recently, and it wasn’t hard to admit. He was certain it was Harry’s proximity to make him feel better. Soon enough he understood that his wake-up call wasn’t provoked by toilet needs or being famished but instead by a fairly loud talk. He could hear Harry arguing with someone downstairs. Louis grabbed a pair of joggers and put them on, picking his phone up from the bedside table. He unlocked it just to see it was already past midday. He grabbed a white t-shirt from the drawer and made his way downstairs. He slowly went down the stairs, barefoot, approaching the living room where Harry slept.<br/>Soon enough he saw Harry walking all around the room, right hand up to hold his telephone next to his ear. He took his phone out of his pocket. He was screaming, which wasn’t a thing Harry did often.<br/>He couldn’t certainly identify the person he was talking to. He just hid from him for a couple of minutes before making himself visible. He walked into the living room like he hadn’t been hearing anything at all. It took a couple of seconds for Harry to look up from his feet and see Louis.<br/>They crossed eyes for moments before Louis could mimic “sorry” with his mouth and walk in the kitchen. Harry saw him walking away but he was very quick to run to him and rest his hand on Louis’ forearm to stop him.<br/>Louis immobilized.<br/>“Can you call you back? I..need to do something” Harry told to his telephone. “right. Talk to you later. Bye Will.”<br/>FUCKING WILL is what Louis screamed in his brain.<br/>“Sorry, did I wake you?”<br/>“Not your call, no. Your screaming did. But it’s midday so it’s fine. Thank you, even. I need to eat something”<br/>“I can! make you…something. If you want me to, I mean” Harry just proposed. Louis was surprised but he wasn’t going to complain.<br/>“Mhm…yeah. Sure. If you want to. I have not turned into a cook in the last period so I guess you can make something better than I would.” Louis smiled and Harry smiled back.<br/>“I remember,” Harry told him, walking in the kitchen.<br/>Louis thought he would have woken up alone, maybe with a text from Harry saying that he had gone already or a message on the couch thanking him for letting him stay over. He certainly didn’t expect to wake up with Harry screaming to his boyfriend over the phone, on his way to making Louis breakfast.<br/>He just accepted the lucky he got and walked to the kitchen following Harry.<br/>“So…are you okay?” Harry started breaking the eggs he grabbed from the fridge into a bowl, whisking them.<br/>“I am. Why?” Louis leaned to the counter, crossing his arms.<br/>“You were screaming with your boyfriend, I suppose. You remember?”<br/>“Yeah…I am fine though.” He continued his doing.<br/>“Harry, can you stop from a moment?” Harry stopped, waiting a few seconds before turning his eyes to Louis.<br/>“Please, can you tell me what’s wrong? You don’t scream..like ever.” Harry exhaled.<br/>“He…didn’t know I slept here. He called Niall and he told him that the last time he saw me was to ask me to bring you home. I just had to tell him. He wasn’t happy but he didn’t believe me when I told him I just slept here”<br/>“I see. Well, you can always tell him in person. I am sure you’ll figure it out. You’ll both be fine. And if he still doesn’t believe you, I can always confirm it to him.”<br/>“He won’t believe you”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“You’re not his most beloved person…let’s just say” Harry confessed. Louis could understand why without him saying anything else about it.<br/>“I can understand that. You should go, then. You don’t want to upset him even more. I’ll be fine. I can manage eggs.” Louis started to take a few steps but he stopped when Harry shook his head.<br/>“No. I want to stay here.”<br/>“Harry, you shouldn’t. I’ll be fine. You don’t have to stay here. I am not a child, for fuck’s sake.”<br/>“I don’t have to stay here. I want to stay here. I am not treating like a child. I just need…to be there for you. Please, Louis, let me.” Harry prayed him, locking their gazes.<br/>“What do you want to know, Harry? That I am sad? That I have been drinking a lot more than I used to or than I tell Niall? Do you want to acknowledge I am not fine? I am not! Alright? I am not! But it’s not your problem, so please, do not treat me as a charity case. I don’t think I can handle it, not from you” Louis confessed. He didn’t plan on it, but if he had to destroy himself a little more to let Harry go, he would do it. He would do anything to let Harry be happy.<br/>“Louis.” Harry walked closer to him. Louis let a few tears drop from his eyes. He wasn’t planning on it but he had become kind of a weeper lately.<br/>“Louis, please. Don’t cry, love.” Harry wiped Louis’ tears with his hand, before pulling him into a hug. “I just want to be there for you. I know you. You don’t need to hide anything from me. And I know we haven’t been seeing each other lately and I am so, so sorry. But I’ll always be there for you.”<br/>“Don’t you understand? Being close to you without being able to do anything of what we used to do fucking kills me. I can’t do it, Harry. Please, don’t do this to me.”<br/>“Love, look at me.” Harry continued weeping his tears away. “Lou. You are not going to lose me. Like ever. Do you understand? Whatever happens. I’ll always be there, I’ll always have your back. I don’t understand why you left me but I don’t care. I’ll be with you. Always.” Louis understood what Harry meant by saying it. He couldn’t stop caring about Harry either. But this was different. He couldn’t let Harry hurt again. Seeing him crying every night because he had to stay away, they couldn’t be seen together slowly destroyed Harry and destroying Harry, Louis lost himself in the process. Piece by piece, Louis hurt Harry by not accepting to be out, to be with him in public, and the more Harry accepted Louis’ terms, the more Louis couldn’t accept they destroyed Harry.<br/>Louis's inability to acknowledge who he was in the public shattered his connection with Harry, not his love. He would have loved him forever but he couldn’t do it anymore. He learned in the hard way that their love was love and pain in equal parts. He just couldn’t accept that he was a pain to Harry. Not even a minimal part of the pain. He wanted Harry to be happy.<br/>“Harry, I think you should go.” And with that, Louis just walked away from Harry. Harry stayed in the same position, maybe not even understand what Louis was saying.<br/>“I don’t want to go. Do you hear me? I am not going” Harry just said, looking straight to Louis.<br/>“Will will not be happy with this. I have something to do too. You can’t stay here.”<br/>“I thought this was my house too” Harry answered, knowing that he was just an excuse.<br/>“Not anymore” Louis exhaled, making Harry shiver a bit. This didn’t let it get to him.<br/>“It will always be my home. You will always be at home.”<br/>“Will-“<br/>“Fuck Will! Don’t you understand? I don’t love Will! We didn’t even spend New year’s eve together!” Harry almost screamed in his face. He didn’t believe it, he cared about his boyfriend, he had to. This couldn’t be happening anymore.<br/>“Harry, we can’t be together anymore. We can’t. So it’s just best that we live our lives separated. I will always care about you, and you’ll always care about me. But we can’t do this.”<br/>“How can you say it? Don’t you love me? You don’t have to protect me! I can protect myself! If you don’t want to come out it’s fine. I will wait for you. I always will. Please don’t leave me again.” Harry prayed, whispering to Louis. He walked now closer than he was before, approaching Louis and moving his hand on Louis’ face, soothing his pale skin.<br/>“Harry, please. Don’t make it harder for me. I am…not fine already. I am so so sorry but please, don’t make it worse.” Louis was almost crying over Harry’s hand.<br/>Louis was so struggling so much that he was crying in front of Harry. He was crying, praying Harry to not hurt him anymore by standing there. Louis was ashamed, but that’s who he became when Harry was around.<br/>Harry drained a few other tears from Louis’ face, starting to spread a smile because even if Louis was asking Harry to leave, he finally let himself go in front of him. He finally confessed that he loved him and that’s all Harry cared about. At least for now.<br/>Harry pulls himself closer, leaving a soft kiss on Louis’ cheek. He waits a moment just to see his eyelashes resting under Louis’ eyes before walking away and leaving their house.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Hope you’ll be safe in the arms of another</strong>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>as promised, second and final chapter of this ff. I hope you enjoyed it even if it is was short trip. I wish you all a beautiful 2021 and to live your life to the fullest this year. Thank you for giving it a chance.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry wasn’t completely sure what to do with his boyfriend. When Will came around, he really thought he could move on. It’s not like he hadn’t tried before but he never succeeded in letting the thought of Louis slipping away from his mind. He decided Will would be his last chance, he couldn’t go around hooking up with people, failing him and them when he understood he couldn’t do it. He had this thing between him and Will to go well in the first place.<br/>
That was until Niall told him to stop play pretending and get his head out of his arse. Textual words. Niall knew Louis and Harry. He knew every single thing about them. He was still so close to both of them that he used to give updates on each other’s lives. Not that Louis wanted them.<br/>
Harry did.<br/>
He used to ask Niall how Louis was doing. What he did. Who he met. If he needed anything. If he was fine.<br/>
Harry never let go.<br/>
Niall wasn’t pleased when Harry told him he was with Will. Niall knew it wasn’t going to last, Harry could see it now. He was never over Louis. Harry was so angry with him, angry that he didn’t maintain his promises, angry that he was the one taking the worst and yet, he was the one that Louis left. He knew that Louis still loved him but his actions put Harry in so much pain that he didn’t care about the reason why Louis left him, even if it was for his own sake. Louis left him, destroyed him, and he wasn’t about to forget that.<br/>
Will was his chance to survive. Will was the only person who could accept he broke up with Louis and the importance Louis still had in Harry’s mind and he accepted to be patient, to try to get over it with Harry. He thought this could be possible in the future but the more Harry remained separated from Louis, the more he thought about him, the more he asked Niall about him and the more Niall told him how big of a mistake he was making by leading Will on. He was never going to get over Louis.<br/>
After yesterday, he was sure again that his love would never fade away. Instead, it just grew stronger and became so powerful that Harry wasn’t sure he could hold it inside him anymore.<br/>
//<br/>
It was a week later, and Louis hadn’t received anything from Harry. Not a text, not a call, not a visit. Nothing. Not that he expected it. It was just a tiny little spark of hope that Louis still felt in his body that in some way still have his expectations. In the end, it looked like Harry was doing what Louis asked him to. Louis felt like maybe it would have been the last time they saw each other. He didn’t know if he was allowed to cry about it. He surely did for the first four days. Now, he just understood that maybe he had to deal with it once and for all. Louis loved him so much and his love for Harry could have easily broken him. But he wasn’t Louis only. He was a son, he was a brother, he was a person people looked up to. He was so much more than Louis. He let his love and his pain destroy him to a certain point, but now that maybe he had closure with all of that maybe he just needed to put the pain and the sorry for the past behind him like everything else. He needed to try to move on. He needed to try harder than he ever did. So that’s what he was doing in the last few days. Trying to get a hold of himself.<br/>
It was when he was trying to cook something without burning his house down that he heard a loud knock on the door. When he opened the door, his heart pounding in his chest like he was implicitly waiting for someone, he saw blonde hair and an angry look. He knew that somehow Niall wasn’t happy with the way Louis was doing and the way he was pretending basically everything in his life. He certainly wasn’t happy with the way he lied to him.<br/>
“So?” Niall asked after sitting on Louis’ couch next to Louis himself. Niall was one of those people who could be a child and at the same time the devil. Especially if he saw something he didn’t like.<br/>
“what do you want to know?” Louis knew this was the time when lies weren’t accepted anymore. And he didn’t want. To lie, that was.<br/>
“Listen, Niall, I know what you think and I am sorry. I am so sorry to have lied to you.”<br/>
“Mate, I know you are but I don’t mind. Not that it wasn’t important, not at all, and if you do it again, and will be fucking mad at you. But now I am mad at you because you had another chance and you still let Harry go. Again. Louis, what the fuck are you doing?” Niall was starting to move a bit on the couch and to speak loudly.<br/>
“I made my choice. He made his choice too. He is with Will now. Niall…I can’t be doing this to me. Not anymore. I need to let everything go and go on.” Louis confesses, even though it still hurt.<br/>
“Louis, you fucking idiot. Harry is in love with you! He left Will days ago! He came to see me when he did because he thought he knew what was happening with you and he couldn’t believe I didn’t know! Louis, what are you doing? You’re breaking both of you!” Louis is so overwhelmed by Niall and what he is saying that he is not sure he could understand Niall and himself anymore.<br/>
Louis is so confused. He is sorry, so sorry that he left Harry, he loved, love, him so much that it might actually crush him or condemn him to a life of misery. But he is just so determined to not cause any more harm to his friends that he was stuck. He didn’t know what to do. This is the reason why his eyes started to be watery, his hands started to shiver, and he couldn’t look up anymore. This is why he started to feel his cheeks wet, his lip bubble, and a sudden not so sudden sense of pain spreading in his whole body.<br/>
“Niall, please hel-p me” he whispered. “I don’t know what-what to do” Louis finished, crushing into Niall. His friend wrapped his arms around him, crushing the two bodies and trying to console Louis as much and as tight as he could.<br/>
“Mate, please stop crying. It’s okay” Niall tried to tell him, hearing his friend sobbing even more in their hug.<br/>
It was so surreal for both of them. The great Louis Tomlinson that pretended to not care and to be above everything and everything was finally letting go, allowing himself to feel. He almost couldn’t feel the difference between living and surviving. Not until now. Now all of the things he was avoiding, endlessly running from came straight to him. Not to haunt him like they sometimes did before, but to make him face the truth.<br/>
He was not ready to let Harry go but he was so tired to keep pretending, so tired to fight himself. So tired of feeling alone.<br/>
“Louis, listen to me. You need to stop crying over spilled milk and do something. Act about it. Start getting everything you lost back. You are still in time to have your life back.”<br/>
“Niall-he-“Louis started trying not to strut. Niall was faster than him though.<br/>
“Louis shut up. Harry loves you, always loved you. I know you still love Harry too. Get your mind out of your arse and fucking DO something about it. He was never with Will in the way you think and if you fucking met me without avoiding me you could have known. Harry left him. He left him for you. Stop overthinking it mate. The only thing between you and getting what you want is you.” Niall was the perfect person to make Louis think. He was his friend, brother even, but he wouldn’t put up with Louis’ self -misery.<br/>
“I am sorry, Niall. So sorry” Louis continued, drying his tears with the sleeves of his sweater.<br/>
“Stop it now, Lou. Talk to him. I am sure you will figure it out”. Louis nodded lightly, his face still in his hands.<br/>
“Have you eaten lately? Can we order something? You need to eat.” And with Niall’s friendship, Louis was sure he would get through this, and maybe he wouldn’t feel alone anymore in the end. He smiled and before nodding to Niall’s proposal he decided in his mind he would start to do something to get his life back, starting from that very moment.</p><p><br/>
<strong>I should’ve carried us both.</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>A week ago.</em>
</p><p><br/>
Harry was stuck. He was in the middle of uncertainty, in the middle of wanting to go to Louis’ and move for an indefinite amount of time, possibly forever, against Louis’ will, or go away for a long period of time to forget him (even though he couldn’t possibly ever EVER forget Louis), or drunk until he couldn’t feel his feelings anymore or go to Louis’ to slap himself in the face just because he left him because he couldn’t let Harry make decisions for himself.<br/>
He never understood why Louis did it. I mean, sure, their situation back in the days wasn’t the best. With them never allowed to come out, Louis always in the magazines with other girls, and their time together that went to zero, the situation wasn’t easy to handle, especially for Harry that had to see it all from the outside of everything. He only existed in hotel rooms, in their house, in each other’s mind. They weren’t allowed to be happy on the public display, they never could.<br/>
Harry still remembers the sadness of that period, the constant fear that this will never have been enough for them, that they weren’t in it for the long run. They were treated like they were temporary and the point that they followed this thought with their behavior and their consent to fake girlfriends and shit interviews. The truth is that they didn’t have the power to stand up to everyone else and neither the courage to make One Direction in danger.<br/>
When Louis started to drift away from him, slowly, painfully, Harry knew. He knew that in some way, they had reached their endgame. What he didn’t understand is how they could let it happen. He loved Louis so much and he was sure Louis loved him back. Louis couldn’t lie and certainly didn’t when he confessed his love to Harry a thousand times a day. Harry just couldn’t bear with it, the time slowly flowing away, losing Louis in his hands.<br/>
Sometimes Harry believed that in the end, Louis got tired of him. He got tired of his clumsiness, his endless and constant positivity, the things they did we each other, almost like he was tired of their lives together and their routines. Some other times, Harry grew the belief that maybe love truly wasn’t enough in a relation, that love couldn’t be the only reason for everything. What Harry believed through all of this, was that he surely loved Louis more than his life and that that wouldn’t change.<br/>
His endless love for Louis was enough to make it easy for him to grab all the things he had left at Will’s house during the time they were together and put them in boxes to leave at his own house. He certainly remembered how this wasn’t that easy when he moved out of Louis’- their- house. He didn’t tell him, but Harry secretly grabbed a pair of Louis’ t-shirts and some belongings and shove them into his boxes without him knowing. He still wasn’t sure Louis found out but he never asked so Harry never told. Truth is, those t-shirts had been extremely useful for the first months after they parted ways.<br/>
He had no other chance but to quit leading Will on. He knew too well Louis was it for him and that there was no point in pretending with other people. And however, better alone than with just anyone. He could live his life without Louis. It wouldn’t be a happy life but still, it’s not like it depended on him. What wouldn’t be happening is him trying to get over Louis because that was just a lost battle and Harry was so fucking tired of fighting over lost battles.<br/>
He had just finished making his bag when he grabbed his telephone, texting Niall. He needed to talk to him, understand if Niall knew the situation Louis was putting himself into. He begged Niall, months ago, to look after Louis and to let him know if there were problems. He trusted Niall and knowing Louis he was sure he didn’t say absolutely anything to their friend, living a miserable life all by himself but he just wanted to be sure how bad the situation was. Determined to get to Niall in ten minutes, Harry pocketed his telephone again, picked his bag up from the floor, and left the key to his ex-boyfriend's house on the marble counter in the entrance.<br/>
He was sorry, but truly, he was sorrier about everything else that went down in his life.<br/>
When Niall opened the door of his house to let Harry in, it was pouring in London. Average English weather. Harry was dripping rain from his clothes, completely wet even from the few seconds it took him to get from his car to Niall’s house’s entrance.<br/>
“Hello, mate. You’re going to catch something really bad, you know. Singer these days..” Niall started, but Harry wasn’t much in the mood for a courtesy talk.<br/>
“Niall, please tell me everything you know” Harry stopped in the middle of the entrance, not wanting to dirt the whole place. However, he didn’t need to be more specific about what he was asking. Niall knew, and he knew he would have come to ask this.<br/>
“I don’t know much, he kept me away from all of this, but I’ll tell everything I know after you shower. Louis would kill me if he knew I let you catch pneumonia. Up you go, and then we’ll talk.” Niall sounded so strict and determined that what Harry did was exactly what Niall told him. Harry too was way too determined to know everything Niall was about to tell him.<br/>
When Harry came down from the first floor of Niall’s mansion in South West London, he didn’t expect to be so overwhelmed by everything, and yet so little information, Niall gave him about Louis. Harry didn’t expect Louis to be so miserable, to the point that he didn’t even feel comfortable, to be honest with Niall. His brother.<br/>
Louis had been left completely alone with his life-shattering into pieces, so little sparks of Louis’ old life that he hadn’t had the power to put it back in place. Or the will. And Harry felt like maybe Louis was in the same situation that he was. Maybe Louis hadn’t grown tired of them, maybe Louis had been forced, painfully put in the place to let him go. He finally let himself believe that Louis had sacrificed himself even more than he was doing back in the days of One Direction, by letting Harry go to live his life without causing him any harm. If only knew that the major harm he did in the eyes of Harry was to let him go.<br/>
Now it was late, wasn’t it? Even though he left Will, understood that he will never let Louis go, even though maybe Louis loved him still. If there is one thing that was still clear from this situation was the maybe love isn’t the solution for all. Maybe everything they had been through wasn’t meant to be forgotten, maybe it even meant something for them.<br/>
A second thing that Harry thought to be significant, was that Louis never looked for him. Even when Niall confessed to him Harry was hanging with Will (which, I mean, Niall, you could have minded your own business for once). He was definitely struggling, and Niall knew it. The ball was in everyone’s court and yet in no one’s. No one could do anything and everyone could. Harry could stand up and tell Louis he could make his decision without him interfering, Niall could go to Louis and tell him to get his mind out of his arse and finally grow up. But Louis…Louis could definitely resolve it all. Harry just didn’t know what to do to get his Louis back.<br/>
Every day I am a slave to the heartache, and you’re wasting away every night<br/>
//</p><p><br/>
<em>A week later.</em>
</p><p><br/>
When Louis dressed up on a rainy day in his gold old London, he was so scared that he would mess everything up. I mean, the situation was already at the worst but never say never, he couldn’t allow himself to lose more than he already did. That was why he gathered the littlest spark of force that he had in his legs, arms, and heart and left his house to go to Harry’s. When the curly boy opened his door, he had a loose white t-shirt on, maybe the first thing he found near the bed he probably just stood up from, grey trackies and no shoes. He opened his eyes a bit more just to see it was really Louis that knocked on his door.<br/>
“Lou- what are you doing here, did something happen?” Harry asked worriedly. Louis shook his head.<br/>
“No, nothing to worry about. Can I just talk to you?” Louis is unsure about how to talk to him. He just makes himself not to breathe during this, which was a thing Louis was having trouble to do.<br/>
“Please, come in. It’s so cold today” Harry made Louis a sign to come in and when Louis took a few steps to walk inside Harry’s house, he closed the door behind him.<br/>
“Lou, are you alright? You seem weird” Harry was looking at Louis with such worry and interest that Louis wasn’t sure he deserved it.<br/>
“No, I am…fine. I need to talk to you, Harry. I need to…confess things” and then was when Harry understood that maybe…just maybe.<br/>
“Let’s sit on the couch. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Harry aimed to reassure Louis and he knew it. They both walked to the living room, Louis slightly nodding at Harry, sure that Harry was seeing him following him with his eyes.<br/>
“Actually…have you eaten? Do you want to have breakfast? I was just about to go cooking some. It might be easier for you if-“<br/>
“Yes, please.” And Louis was sure it would have been better this way, without Harry’s look and attention constantly focused on him and what he had to say.<br/>
They just walked over to the kitchen, Louis stopping by the door while Harry went on grabbing some pans from the side drawer. He still hadn’t change anything about this room, Louis thought. He was glad that some things hadn’t changed.<br/>
He had always loved Harry’s house. It was so elegant yet too efficient. Everything was where it was supposed to be, Harry had everything under his hands.<br/>
“so..you can start if you want. I am all ears” Harry said out loud and Louis just connected again.<br/>
“I hum….yes. I am sorry for coming here all of the sudden. I am sure that if I waited a bit more I could have gone mad.”<br/>
“no worries. You’re always welcome, you know it” Harry smiled, looking away from the tomatoes he was just cutting to look briefly at Louis.<br/>
Louis was so focused he just couth a glimpse of it.<br/>
“Right. I am sorry for a lot of things too. Like, I don’t know...I never called you. I never saw you. I didn’t know if you wanted to but still.” Harry could feel this heavy cloud of embarrassment and pain that hovered over Louis.<br/>
“It’s fine. I wanted to hear from you but I still did. Niall was my messenger.”<br/>
“Was him?”<br/>
“Yeah” Harry smiled once again, this time carrying Louis with him.<br/>
“He never told me, that fucker.”<br/>
“I asked him not to. I was afraid that you wouldn’t agree and that you would stop confessing him things so I wouldn’t know about them.” So Harry wanted to know. Maybe Louis still had a chance.<br/>
“He did tell me one thing about you, as well. When you and Will go together” and Harry was so sorry he had caused Louis pain.<br/>
“I am sorry about that. I am sorry to even have tried to get over what we had. Will never stood a chance though; it was never serious. That’s what I meant when I told you that it wasn’t like you believed” Harry confessed. His eyes drifted from his cooking to Louis every once in a few seconds, trying to look at Louis as much as he could without risking his hands. Louis knew what Harry meant, it had been difficult to hang out with others for him as well.<br/>
“I…I am sorry for everything else too” Louis whispered then.<br/>
“everything else? Like what?” Harry tried to understand.<br/>
“For….leaving you.” Louis’ voice was light, but Harry still heard it. Hope. Harry stooped frying the eggs, turned off the cooker, and turned to Louis’ figure.<br/>
“Louis-“<br/>
“Please let me finish. I am so, so sorry for leaving you. I thought it was the best thing to do, you cried every day and I couldn’t stand the feeling of being hurting you so much. I loved you. But it was like my presence in your life was hurting more than it did you good. So I just thought…I thought that it was the best thing for you. But believe me, Harry, I loved you so much.” And Louis started to spill some tears. His eyes turned bluer than they had ever been. Harry started to walk towards him, not being able to bear this sight anymore but Louis stopped him right there.<br/>
“Please, let me finish. I…didn’t know what to do, everyone else around was starting to feel embarrassed and unsettled and I was creating so many problems for everyone that…I didn’t know what else to do. Please forgive me, Harry. Please, please, forgive me.” And then Harry just walked over to Louis and pushed him in his arms. Louis was still crying a little bit, less than what he allowed himself to Niall but still, he was a bit embarrassed to do it in front of Harry.<br/>
Harry caressed him, patting his back, kissing his forehead a couple of times. Happiness and endless love running through Harry’s veins because Louis was allowing himself to feel. It was incredible.</p><p>“Lou, love. I love you. I love you. It’s okay. Everything’s okay. We’re fine.” Harry tried desperately to keep whispering to Louis when he started shivering in his arms. His whole body shivered with him.<br/>
“Louis, I understand. Do you hear me?” Harry tried, making Louis look him in the eyes. Louis looked up but he couldn’t stand the gaze.<br/>
“I am so, so sorry, Haz”<br/>
“I know, babe. It’s fine. We’re here now. We won’t let go.” And Harry certainly didn’t. They stayed in that position for a bit more than ten minutes before Louis was able to let Harry walk away and keep cooking them breakfast.</p><p>“Haz, I am not sure what this means now”. Harry just sits down at the table, a full English breakfast between him and Louis, seated next to him.<br/>
Harry picked up a scoop of beans, dropping them in both their plates.<br/>
“This means-“ he started, smiling lightly and looking his man in his beautiful blue eyes, “that I love you. Always have, always will. We can leave everything aside for now. But Lou, we have to talk about things. This is not going to go away that easily”<br/>
“What do you mean?”<br/>
“It means that we will have to communicate. We will have to solve things before making costly decisions, and certainly not take them behind each other’s backs. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and you have to talk to me, not go mad on your own. If you’ll have me, that is” Harry realised that he was making assumptions about their relationship without being sure Louis would want this again.<br/>
“If I’ll have you? I fucking came crying to you, Haz. I am just sorry that it took me so much time to do it. But, to be honest, I haven’t been much happy in the meantime”<br/>
“I know. And you need to stop that as well. You are strong, Louis Tomlinson. Whatever it is, you can always come through it. Never allow things to get the best of you.” Louis could have easily cried again. Harry was definitely too much for the world and he couldn’t believe he got this lucky twice in his life.<br/>
“I’ll never let you go,” Louis stated, his right hand grabbing Harry’s near his plate.<br/>
“I’m glad. I wouldn’t have it any other way”, Louis just smiled, for the first time after much longer, he would have wanted to, thanks to Harry.<br/>
But again, everything in his life was thanks to Harry. Much more than he would ever have the time to admit. And if he had been lost for so much time before, after letting Harry go, he was sure he wouldn’t be so lost anymore.</p><p><br/>
<strong>You know that I adore you.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Two Years Later.</em>
</p><p><br/>
When Harry left to go grocery shopping that day, he didn’t expect to return home to a woken-up Louis that he had left in their bad rushing through the door because they had run out of food in their house. Louis wasn’t an early bird. Not at all.<br/>
One thing that he certainly didn’t expect was Louis on their couch, dressed in loose shirts and tracksuit bottoms, with a mug in his hands.<br/>
“Morning, Love.” Louis smiled behind his smoking hot tea mug.<br/>
“Morning, sunshine. Up bright and early, what’s happened to you?” Harry was really surprised by this.<br/>
“it’s an important day today, innit?” the blue-eyed man just stated, standing up to go kiss his boyfriend.<br/>
“I’ll help you put those in the kitchen” and with that Louis grabbed a few of the shopping bags in Harry’s hands to take them in the kitchen, helping Harry sorting things out with a cheeky smile on his face.<br/>
On that day they were traveling to Holmes Chapel for Gemma’s wedding. They were about to spend a week at Harry’s family home, in the English countryside, which Harry loved very much.<br/>
And if eventually, Louis was also happy about that box in his pocket that he had bought years ago, long before they even parted ways, and hidden until he had to use it, nobody knew.<br/>
Just he and Anne.<br/>
Because maybe love wasn’t always the solution for all, but it had been enough to figure out everything else. And maybe he hadn’t lost himself as he had believed before, but a part of him would forever have been with Harry, lost within his boyfriend. And It was okay. Because he could accept to be a bit lost if he was lost on him.</p><p><br/>
<strong>Lately, I am getting lost on you. </strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 2 up soon!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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